A place to be real about a life of chaos, with eight beautiful children, homeschooling, special needs, adoption, sanity or the lack thereof.........a rubber hits the road sort of journey that I thankfully do NOT walk alone!

Monday, October 20, 2008

What is MY Lifesong???

When life has been what it has been this past week it causes me to pause amidst the chaos and ponder......what is my "lifesong"? I mean....I know what my day to day responsibilities are. The "stuff" that is expected of me. I also know the expectations that I place on myself that no one else may even know....but the stuff I feel is totally important in defining who I am and what the "job" is that I place such importance on. ......what is my "Lifesong" as one of my favourite bands sing? What legacy am I really leaving....what impact am I having... is it enough....is it what God expects of me or is it by my definition significant? Where's the PEACE????

I can just hear some of my friends chastising me saying, "are you crazy", "get serious", " of course you are on track".... It's the peace that goes with the know, that I know, that I know.....

that I strive for.

This week has proven to be a "challenge". By challenge I don't mean the kind that once you give that little extra effort you manage to conquer and on you go. No....I mean the kind that has you in tears ... regularly.....questioning where it is that I signed up for ALL the obstacles that interfere with harmony and smooth scheduling and let's face it "mere coping" in my home.

It's these moments of "meltdown"....and for those of you who get me....know I try to do these things privately without my kids knowing 'Mommy's LOST IT', that cause me to visit these questions of my purpose. Will my children learn all they need to learn? Have I taught them to go to God first and "lean not on their own understanding"?.....more importantly am I modelling that clearly for them? YIKES .....I sense conviction!! Have I instilled the important character "glue" I call it that will hold them together when they feel their own resolve weakening? Let's face it ...... am I doing my darn job!

Why is it moments like these always occur in a week when so much is going on around me?? .... And then I hear in a clear audible voice..... you know ..... the one we are supposed to hear if we just become still.....really still and listen??? Peace is not something that occurs when we are in a very calm and quiet, undisturbed place.....no.....peace is being in the midst of chaos, turmoil, lack of control (by the way I'm not real good at that one), and still being peaceful in our heart.

Suddenly things are crystal clear....."the words I say And the things I do Make my lifesong sing"

How I live my life, day to day...... the teaching, the learning, the mothering, the disciplining, the partnering, the striving, the suffering, the joy, the milestones, the celebrating, the simple accomplishments that I witness are all in answer to my lifesong! It's mine....it's not perfect but it's what I have to offer and darn it......I'm gonna do it to the best of my ability and find peace in knowing that amidst chaos..... I am still "peaceful".......where it counts.

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