A place to be real about a life of chaos, with eight beautiful children, homeschooling, special needs, adoption, sanity or the lack thereof.........a rubber hits the road sort of journey that I thankfully do NOT walk alone!

Friday, January 11, 2013

Just. Plain. Thankful.

For those "friends" on facebook you may recognize this as my status update a couple of days ago.

If I'm being completely honest here I wrote this at a time when my heart felt a little less than plain. thankful.   But, what I have come to realize in this journey I call my crazy life...I do not call the game...in fact sometimes I'm actually sitting on the sidelines just watching it all play out in slow motion and have absolutely NO control.   Yup NO control...my very favourite state!

So...in those times I choose to speak these words....   Just. Plain. Thankful.

Thankful that although my house is full of children struggling at different levels with medical/psychological conditions not within their control ....I am NOT alone and I find the patience
Thankful that I have a pediatrician who listens, and carefully treats my children.....I have support.
Thankful that medication is available to at least on most days, minimize the effects of FASD, ADHD, ODD, OCD etc...I have choices
Thankful that after the violent outbursts there is almost always a wonderful calm...I am resilient, I will love unconditionally....I don't do this on my own.
Thankful that the children are becoming a little more aware of the triggers for anger and as best as they can bite their tongue or just go with the flow...I will do my best to model grace
Thankful that any destruction of property is never more damaging than just that.....stuff.....I will keep it all in perspective
Thankful that all of my children are here...where they were meant to be all along...all of us...together....we have been knit together in a very purposeful, specific way....not alone
Thankful that like childbirth, once the acute pain and turmoil of any situation is over, the joy and laughter and love of just holding a child help to erase the tears....I will look forward with anticipation and great expectation to what our future holds.

As our adopted children grow and develop, some of the diagnoses they have, become more prominent and in all honesty...excruciatingly difficult to handle.   Sometimes this is because I feel so helpless to affect change, sometimes I am so darn frustrated with the lack of effectiveness of my parenting tools, but mostly because it makes me so desperately sad...for them and the struggles, for us as a family unit and selfishly for me...I am tired.

From the outside looking in....our children are well behaved, polite, well adjusted kids.   I'm thankful that we have given them the security of a safe place.  Here is where it is safe and no matter what, we are family, forever.  Don't get me wrong...it is not easy and for some of us (we are 10) we handle it very well...for others...it is too much and coping manifests itself as isolating, acting out, or sometimes provoking the very child that needs no provoking!

Right now my life is dictated by one of my eight children primarily....I don't speak this out loud usually....I just quietly die a little as I face situation after situation that wears me down.   He is the most lovable, compassionate, caring child that has unfortunately been forever damaged prior to his birth by exposure to multiple drugs and alcohol.   He has FASD but will one day be whole!!  This is the truth I hang on to as together we brace ourselves for a new day.  

He rises for the day anytime after 5:15 and thanks to a new schedule is now downstairs with me having breakfast by six....this has actually been a blessing because he used to rise and disrupt/wake everyone else, wrestling, fighting, etc...now he and I start his school before 6:30 because he is incapable of concentrating once the others are awake.  We finish the foundational stuff and I am thrilled with that.   The rest of the day is filled with excessive hand washing (his hands are constantly bleeding) , organizing, dictating, controlling behaviour that often results in violent outbursts and swearing.   He's broken his and others' toys and belongings, furniture and ripped kitchen cupboards off.  We have had to remove doors to prevent him putting his foot through it.  No impulse control, no rhyme or reason or pattern to his behaviour....just turmoil.    No one would believe me!  I wouldn't believe it if I wasn't living it!!  He regularly refuses to do what he's asked, balking at my authority and then encourages his siblings to ignore me also.   He sometimes refuses to come with the family if we are leaving for an event or church...my life is on hold.  If I am leaving the house on an errand, he hugs and kisses me demanding eye contact and a routine of blowing kisses and words, often coming out of the house more than once to continue the process...most often it's just easier to take him with me.    He refuses to move from a chair, go to bed, or bathe.  He doesn`t eat what we eat requiring separate meal preparation every single day.....and then there is the other side.....He is first to offer help to prepare meals, seeks out quality time with me...loves to bake and cook, build and create...He loves to read to his little brother, play cards, cuddle the cat and play Angry Birds.  He is destined for something great in this life.   His struggle will be his strength...and it's my job to make sure he gets to whatever earthly destination is for him.  He is a child of much faith asking in a calm time how it is he could tell people about Jesus because everyone should know... He is adorable and innocent and not to blame and a child of God just like any other.  And I love him...unconditionally, forever, fully, no matter what.

Not more than I can handle...there are days I beg to differ ... but most days I do understand this sharpening of my faith...you see my weakness, my incapability to "handle" this, my lack of control, my shortcomings.....all cause me to lean on God.   God is using little old, incapable, frazzled, tired, weak me to do great things in my childrens lives.   They aren't mine...but His and with that in mind what a privilege to have some who need me as they do!

Just. Plain. Thankful.









Tuesday, January 8, 2013



Counting my Blessings in 2013!!

dusky light, surprising reflection, lovely shadow.....

64.  Glimpsing the last bit of daylight through the schoolroom window as supper simmers on the stove
65.  Seeing myself in the lives of my children...it`s not all bad actually!
66.  The dancing shadow creating by the bare oak tree blowing in the wind


  You'll find the "Joy Dare" here....
http://www.aholyexperience.com/joy-dares/

Monday, January 7, 2013

Counting my Blessings 2013!!

3 graces from people you love...

55.  simply being surrounded by my eight children and husband on a "back to routine Monday"...a difficult transition made easier by the chance to look at them and be thankful
56.  my oldest offering to do some "taxi" driving today while I struggled to get "on track" with the schooling of the younger 4
57.  my Dad arriving with a beautiful space heater that looks like a wood stove for our sunroom/schoolroom so the children are warmer in the biting cold temperatures  (the room isn't insulated so they layer up, but much cozier with the heater! )

58.  my dogs wet nose on my arm as he rests it there looking for some love
59.  homemade pot pie...comfort food
60.  the singing of my 11 year old while playing with his brother
61.  The understanding look from my 13 year old son while holding his tongue and not chastising his brother ( he looks like a man but still a boy!!)
62.  watching my girls play rummy at the table after dinner
63.  the early morning quiet as I rise before everyone else

You'll find the "Joy Dare" here....
http://www.onethousandgifts.com/

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Counting my Blessings in 2013!!

Although it's only six days in I've managed to get a couple days behind here!   I refuse to NOT count!!  So...I will make up these days focusing on JOY!

old, new, and blue

39.  Our beautiful loved home...generations of memories
40.  New vanilla candle flickering on the dining room table
41.  Cozy navy sweatshirt

something I'm reading, making, seeing

42.  "Kisses From Katie" a truly inspirational story of sacrificial love and devotion
43.  Homemade fleece snuggie covered in T Rex dinosaurs...for my feisty boy!
44.  Rows of smiling faces hanging framed on my wall

one thing in my bag, my fridge, my heart

45.  old photos of my children
46.  homemade peanut butter fudge
47.  overwhelming joy for the blessings I call my kids

48.  wonderful service at church this morning
49.  Saturday visits with Mom and Dad
50.  reminiscing about my childhood
51.  old dog snoring on the couch
52.  5 minute nap on the couch
53.  jalapeno poppers
54.  the revelation I'm not in this alone!

http://onethousandgifts.com/

Friday, January 4, 2013

Counting my Blessings in 2013!!

three graces I overheard
31. The sweetest "I love you" from the lips of my sleepy child
32.  Happily playing boys in the living room
33.  "I'm sorry...buddy"  an unexpected apology to a younger sibling

34.  Visits with precious friends
35.  Late night quiet time
36.  Words of wisdom
37.  Steaming coffee in the evening
38.  Unexpected cuddles at midnight

 http://onethousandgifts.com/

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

New Years "Revolution"

Websters defines a revolution as "a sudden, radical, or complete change.

Hmmm...Is that what I'm really looking for?

Forget the resolving to do this and resolving to do that.   We have all done it and we have all failed on some level.   I have decided this year that all of the good intentions, best laid plans, and lists are not going to bring about the change in me that is necessary.

I need a personal "revolution"!!!  

So...I focused on how I define myself...what do I think is the most important role that I have?   Most who know me would say "being a mother to your eight children of course"!   Perhaps it is being a better wife, a better teacher, better nurturer, better daughter, better neighbour, better listener, better friend, better example.....STOP!!

This is the "revolution".  I need to suddenly, radically and completely recognize the role that God gave me is exactly what I'm doing.   I realize it is not about changing how I define myself, making a resolution to change, but about accepting where I'm at, and most importantly understanding that there is a "plan".   It may not always look reasonable, or even logical but I will do "it" to the best of my ability.

When I am feeling the most inadequate, incapable, intolerant, and completely done...God still believes in me.   When I am at a loss for what to do next...and I'm thinking "I can't do this any more!!"  God is saying..."I know that,  (duh!!!!  well... I added that bit) and I don't expect you to do this on your own....I will always be here."

So my resolution for 2013 is to live a revolutionary life.....one of radical commitment to being the best I can be and living in the peace of knowing that is good enough.   When I am weak, yet am I strong.  

The challenges that 2012 presented were no less than overwhelming some days.   My "parenting skills" were tested, revamped, and finally filed.    I have come to realize that each of my children carry their own need for revolution and it is my job to focus on their eternity!   My time is worth it!  Some of the individual struggles I will expand on here in the coming days, but suffice it to say that parenting children with special needs is not for the faint of heart.   The daunting task of raising eight kids, dealing with raging hormonal teens, and defiant preschoolers is tough enough but throw in some violence, aggression, medication juggling, unpredictable outbursts, attachment disorders, OCD, FASD, RAD, and a whole host of other acronyms and the behaviours that result, and I am living the very humble existence of inadequacy!   Owning this in any public way has become my new normal...I am after all seeking a complete, radical and sudden change in the way I approach my God given role....I'll chant this for a while and let you know if it actually sticks.....Not my comfort zone!!

So 2013....I'm ready!   

Counting my Blessing in 2013!!

A gift outside, inside, on a plate....

16.  Sun shining on the clean snow
17.  A comfy chair to curl up on and read
18.  A honey cruller left because the children "prefer the sprinkles"

19.  The smile of my thirteen year old son at my joke....yes, Mine!
20.  Time spent at the barn with my 18 year old loving on the horse that threw her so violently New Years Eve
21.  Forgiveness
22.  The means to replace a laptop soaked in a glass of water
23.  A morning kiss
24.  An unexpected response on a facebook post from a friend
25.  Crackling fire
26.  Renewed compassion for the hurting
27.  The honour of sponsoring a child
28.  Peanut butter fudge in the microwave
29.  An afternoon of toboganning in the back yard
30.  Love...

http://onethousandgifts.com/share-your-gifts

Tuesday, January 1, 2013


 
Counting my Blessings in 2013

1. Homemade cinnamon buns and the smiles it brings to young faces
2. Excellent hospital care and follow up when my eldest is "broken" after a fall from her horse
3. Rosy cheeks after an afternoon in the snow
4. Beautiful music to soothe frayed nerves...by the end of day it was sweet music
5. Leftovers from New Years Eve celebrations and how easy it makes meal prep on January 1
6. Twinkling Christmas lights on the garland around the door
7. Family time ... even when it wasn't "their" first choice today
8. Hugs and smiles when new hand-me-down pajamas are pulled out
9. Another day
10. New lessons learned in patience when dealing with rage in my sweet son
11. A warm bed waiting for me
12. The newness of the year that lies ahead and the clean slate ...

Three gifts heard.....
13. The silence that follows a busy day of children and chores
14. The gentle rhythmic breathing of my sleeping youngest as I get ready for bed
15. The quiet singing of our cockatiel as she gets ready for sleep...

Welcome 2013!
 
 
I have to admit...I'm thankful for the fresh start.   There's just something exciting about the thought of new beginnings.   2012 wasn't a bad year, but I'm always thankful to turn the page on the year and move on towards all that God has for us.
 
I haven't blogged in a while so I thought I'd just start the year with a few pictures of the last little while...sort of a collage if you will of where we've been.

 

 

 
Christmas Tree Farm

















Christmas Eve













Homemade Jammies Christmas Eve








Family Fun!!













And the much anticipated New Year's Eve Chocolate Fountain free for all!!!   :)












I am so very blessed by my family!   God has seen fit to provide for me a wonderful life filled with all of the challenges that will help to strengthen my faith and direct my path.   It's not always easy .... in fact if I'm being honest it sometimes seems near impossible and I guess that's the whole plan....I will stay humbled and remember who this journey is for...



http://onethousandgifts.com/share-your-gifts