A place to be real about a life of chaos, with eight beautiful children, homeschooling, special needs, adoption, sanity or the lack thereof.........a rubber hits the road sort of journey that I thankfully do NOT walk alone!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Hit the pause button!!

Is there a pause button??  Please let there be a pause button!!
Have you ever had a day like that?   Perhaps a day where a "do over" would seem an appropriate alternative.

Lately I have been a little guiltier of the negative self talk...you know..."failure",  "keep trying but it won't get you anywhere", "can't you get a grip on it!", "if you were a better parent then...", "I must be dealing with this because I am lacking...."

How easy it is to fall into the rut of "trying" too hard!    I need to quit trying and start to say "Yes"!!!

Tonight I watched a webcast of two of my favourite authors/bloggers.    It solidified for me the NEED to say yes and ditch the trying.    Cause....I don't know about you but the more I try ... the harder it seems to get and the less likely to feel successful I am!!   What is wrong with this picture??....
With every September, especially since I've been homeschooling, I build myself up with this "fresh start" mentality and to be honest I'm just about driving myself crazy!!    I work diligently creating all the schedules for the children's schooling and then this week after finishing that I decide I need to revisit bed time routines and times, chore charts, library visits and reading times, screen time and when each child should be allowed this time, do we need cable, perhaps group bible study is better than individual, play music during school hours or not, where should the kids complete school, do we need those noise minimizer head phones again, schedule specific times for classes or just work at their own pace, should each child get an extracurricular activity or are all the church activities enough, perhaps a car pool would help, should I volunteer in the nursery or perhaps Sunday nights,  ..... get the idea!

Now don't get me wrong....schedules and routines...especially around here are a blessing but it is ME I'm scheduling and I think I can handle life with a little less structure!!    Sometimes I think in my effort to "do well" I'm really letting people down.     Where is that darn pause button!!  

People are often telling me what a wonderful job I'm doing.    You would think that would come as a comfort and even build me up a little.    Instead I find myself feeling like I'm living up to someones expectations and that is not at all what my life is meant to be about!    Perhaps I come across as having it all under control and let me tell you....it is VITAL that my children believe I do cause I am SERIOUSLY outnumbered!!
I have always believed that I was meant to be Mom to eight children but I am coming to realize that this belief was faulty only because I "thought" it was because I could love on them and help them to realize their potential; give them what they needed to become whole perhaps for the first time in their lives.  Don't misunderstand me....I don't think I have more to offer them but just truly believed I was "up for the challenge"... Recently I am being reminded.....that I "need" these children, each and every one of them so that I can be taught more patience, how to walk with God through this journey, how to grow me!!

If there is a pause button I should delight in pushing it so I might sit tight in the "spot" that I'm in and appreciate it all!    In the process I will undoubtedly have an affect on someone...preferably an affect that doesn't result in some of the eye rolling glances that say, "Oh for Pete sake mom are you kidding me!!!"   but the affect that will speak to me later....much later...."Well done, good and faithful servant".   

As it has been said to me.....am I intentionally, in the midst of my own expectations and shortcomings, pausing in order to recognize that I am loved??   In the midst of chaos am I capable of feeling peace?   

My new September goal.....before I even rise from my bed in the morning....I will give my day to God so that in it I will hit the pause button, not to escape the reality of my day but to immerse myself in it!   I will be intentional in my partnership and recognize what a blessing all the noise in my life is!

Whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered.
Proverbs 11:25 (ESV)

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